Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals.”
“The only people I would care to be with now are artists and people who have suffered: those who know what beauty is, and those who know what sorrow is: nobody else interests me.”
“Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.”
“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”
“When I like people immensely, I never tell their names to any one. It is like surrendering a part of them. I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvelous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it.”
“There is no such thing as a good influence. Because to influence a person is to give him one’s own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such thing as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else’s music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him."
Today I observed myself doing something that I always do, trying to make a great impression, be glamorous, and enticing, for men specifically, and for the first time I questioned my intentions… Why do I need to feel beautiful to these men who mean nothing to me? Why do I care if they think of me as sexy or fuckable? Why do I ponder on having sex with almost every man who looks in my direction & double takes? Am I that desperate for affection? For companionship? For love? Or for a quick hook-up? No, I’m not. I like to think of myself as focused on my future but something in me is begging for male attention. Today I stopped myself once I noticed what I was doing. I stopped smirking at the man who was talking with me, I stopped being attentive, and tried my hardest to “look dull”. I don’t even know what I was getting at but all I knew was that I had to change my thoughts, change my body language, and turn off my sexy in order to try to take this man seriously and have him think of me as more than whatever he had imagined in his mind. I couldn’t focus after I took notice to my behavior and now I can’t seem to grasp what it is in me or why is it that I need validation from men that I’m sexy, that they are imagining me in bed…