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This past weekend in Atlanta was too good to share with anyone besides those who experienced it with me & my diary

(Source: youtube.com, via emiliogorgeous)

" “Lust is to the other passions what the nervous fluid is to life; it supports them all, lends strength to them all ambition, cruelty, avarice, revenge, are all founded on lust.”
― Marquis de Sade "

Took my first trip on the Metro yesterday to the National Gallery of Art. Viewed my first da Vinci, discovered the greatness of El Greco & Titian & fell in love again with works from the House of Medici… Such a well spent, lovely Sunday.

I’m so in love with the city & myself.

Another night out, another dance floor.
Another man in my ear, indubitably a bore…
Solitude is so sweet. Finally getting acquainted with me.

How I’m feelin’

Curiosity, the first & last of my passions… Kindle the fire you ignite in my mind. My adventurous heart is interested in everything that is you.

Drifting off into thoughts, I picture us together

as abstract figures from a Lorenzo Mattotti piece… Engulfed in literature & one another. Close & intimate, yet a distance is evident & necessary… Sharing our thoughts & exploring others…

Embrassant sous la Tour Eiffel, your hands, large, and on my cheeks as a cold, winter wind blows. Your lips are warm, soft, and full, your eyes are bright and comforting…

I am yours, in my mind.

I touch myself to the memory of your voice, French words flowing from your tongue, down my rib cage, to my hips then deep inside me. An orgasm comes so naturally, so easily… I’ve never experienced that, even being “in love”…

I’m forced to discover what I believe could be true et connecter mes fantasmes à la réalité de vous

Heels, sheer stockings, lace & silk…
Red fingernails, thick lashes, painted lips…
Always

"

Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals.”

“The only people I would care to be with now are artists and people who have suffered: those who know what beauty is, and those who know what sorrow is: nobody else interests me.”

“Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.”

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

“When I like people immensely, I never tell their names to any one. It is like surrendering a part of them. I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvelous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it.”

“There is no such thing as a good influence. Because to influence a person is to give him one’s own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such thing as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else’s music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him.

"

- Oscar Wilde

I’m constantly defending myself when it comes to the opinions of others & their perception of me & how I do things…

I do things to get reactions, like science experiments. I behave in different ways when I’m in different moods. I draw from film or books when I’m feeling inspired… My flaws are the only consistent aspects of me & that’s because I’m stubborn & won’t change to be loved. I can only change when I’m hurting those whom I love…

Save your bogus opinions of me for your diaries. Even if they were true, I’d never admit it to you.

If I couldn’t explain my thoughts any better, I’ll let Neale Walsch tell it -

“People believe I am what they see me as, rather than what they do not see. But I am the Great Unseen, not what I cause myself to be in any particular moment. In a sense, I am what I am not. It is from the am-notness that I come, and to it I always return.”

Turned 21 on the 8th… Drank my weight in champagne & danced all night with wild, strange women… That’s nothing new… I’m proud, yet unsure, of who I’m becoming. God, help me

"Bourgeoisie ghetto"

Notice me

Today I observed myself doing something that I always do, trying to make a great impression, be glamorous, and enticing, for men specifically, and for the first time I questioned my intentions… Why do I need to feel beautiful to these men who mean nothing to me? Why do I care if they think of me as sexy or fuckable? Why do I ponder on having sex with almost every man who looks in my direction & double takes? Am I that desperate for affection? For companionship? For love? Or for a quick hook-up? No, I’m not. I like to think of myself as focused on my future but something in me is begging for male attention. Today I stopped myself once I noticed what I was doing. I stopped smirking at the man who was talking with me, I stopped being attentive, and tried my hardest to “look dull”. I don’t even know what I was getting at but all I knew was that I had to change my thoughts, change my body language, and turn off my sexy in order to try to take this man seriously and have him think of me as more than whatever he had imagined in his mind. I couldn’t focus after I took notice to my behavior and now I can’t seem to grasp what it is in me or why is it that I need validation from men that I’m sexy, that they are imagining me in bed…

They say a picture can capture your soul… I don’t take selfies often just because of that superstition. Fuck all this vanity & nonsense nowadays… If I take a photo of myself, I make damn sure you see me as me, not simply what’s appealing